my pieces of today... this afternoon

I think too much...
I know I think too much.

There is no worse torture in life than being rejected by a woman you worship.

I can't help myself...





a lack of thanksgiving and empathy

I feel like a little shit.
There are so many people suffering in New Orleans and the on the Gulf Coast because of hurricane Katrina.
And, I can feel no sympathy for them.
All I feel is this big shadow of disappointment over my head.
I just feel numb...

I'm so sorry for the suffering people.





suppressed emotions and thoughts

And again... an old story.
I have not been sleeping or eating properly
Yesterday... I found for myself that Leanne has found someone new.
I hope she is happy and knows contentment.
That her new man treats her better than I ever had.





sweat and blood on my hands

Why is it that I am so weak emotionally?
I can't find the steel that I had under my skin a few years ago.
When I first left Malaysia...
When I first came to Year 11 at Caulfield Grammar...
When I first started university...
When I first started my internship placement...

Maybe then, 'cause I did not care that much about my life.
I then... didn't just give a damn.

Then it is the greatest why because of the the sudden about-face that I now feel.

Why am I wandering so aimlessly?

At the end of my internship year in September, I sat down with Yu Ming and had a chat about love, friends and life.
From a friend to a friend, I found out that I was better off than most.
I have clothes on my back, money in pockets...
And, most importantly, I had a sound mind and steady hands to work with.

I also remember that I was then revealed to have a steel will.
An example? A lot of people whom I gravitate around, who gravitate around me... smokes.
I don't smoke... anymore.
I've been offered, I've tried and I've left it behind.

I am grateful for these meagre few things...
A sound mind that makes my decisions.
And steady hands that implements my chosen designs.

what are my designs for today and tomorrow?

'The arrow is sharp, find the target...'

This was a phrase I coined the next day after my chat with Yu Ming.
I was aware of what skills I could do.
And I then decided what I intended to with them.
I am a technology guy...
I can code and program with Java and play with SQL all day, today and tomorrow.
All I wanted was to graduate as an IT professional.

But now, I ask what is it all worth?





I feel adrift in my life

I think I can extrapolate for myself what ronin (masterless samurai) feel like after losing their daimyo.
I feel adrift and lost... there is no more greater cause to fight for.

I've held Leanne as my final goal for such a long while...
Everything that I did was meant to acheive something better for us.
I postponed my course at RMIT for 1/2 a year so I could stay back and find an internship position in Australia.
Failing to do so, I became very withdrawn...
Then, believing I had no choice left , I shied away to pursue an internship position overseas in Malaysia.
I was happy that Leanne decided to join me there, studying at Sunway.
That was when I decided that I had found my life partner.

That was when I decided on my endgame...

I'm very envious of my friends who have decided on their respective endgames.
And that is just FKed!

What I want, I cannot have by virtue of my own strength.
Therefore, I covet my brothers property.





I am a man of NO virtues

I have no chivalric virtues as described in Of the Vertues that Apperteyne to Chyvalry by John Chamberlain.

I have diminished prowess.
I lack the appropriate courage to face my problems.
I hide behind facades and therefore, have no honesty.
I have lost many friends and therefore have no loyalty.
I have 'held no open tables' and have shown no generosity.
I have lost faith in myself and my God.
I am angry at myself and can not give courtesy.
I have lost my noble bearing and therefore lost franchise.

I have no honour, no nobility and no chivalry...





all apologies

I understand now that losing her has meant that I have lost meaning to my life.
I've tried to replace my void with Cindy...
but there was the lack of that je ne sais quoi

There were so many problems along the way.
Schedules that didn't match.
I did not have the effort or time to give.
Goals that differed so much.
She wanted to enjoy life.
I was practical and she was elemental...
I watched over, looked after and did my best to nuture her
But, it was not enough...

I am a man of diminished prowess.
I think she was unhappy at me because I couldn't fill her void and make her happy.

I hope she finds someone younger and less economical with his time.
That he languishes her with the attention she so desires.
That they both can have the fullness of life that I could not provide her.

I still offer you friendship as a guardian/mentor should you so desire it...



Now, looking back and thinking...
It was very complicated.
It was very much like roses, the relationship smelt sweet and wonderful.
But it had thorns so sharp and that cut so deep.
And, it lived too short a life...



I guess again I'm apologetic again.

I'm so very sorry to everyone whom I have hurt along the way...





after work... sleep

I've said all that I need to say.

May rest claim me...
if only for a few hours.